you will fight
and it will
you will crawl
calm as the sea.
You are allowed
to sink into your bed.
You are allowed
to jump into the fire.
I have yet
to outrun myself,
how often I have tried.
If you’re like me, then I know you’re trying. And I want you to know that if I ever stop, I’d want you to carry on.
my dad said he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore
because he already paid off his child support.
It made me wonder if when I pay off my student loans,
my degree will have no longer have value either.
I have to get my tonsils removed.
I know I’ve talked circles about the one who walked away
but I feel like he is a piece of me that I don’t really need,
that causes me so much pain and for some reason I put off removing.
apparently the surgery is worse on adults,
apparently the recovery process is hell
but my doctor says I’ll live a better life
if I just face the facts and do it.
my mother said I cried when I lost my first tooth,
I didn’t understand that I didn’t need it anymore.
I never wanted to lose my innocence,
I never wanted to remove the pieces of my body
that my mother grew for me,
I never wanted to say goodbye
to someone that made me feel whole
or to bury the pieces of him that I had
when he left me feeling broken.
my brother told me that everybody has to die
as he looked at his garden.
he said we are orcas
I laughed until he got quiet
and said we are orcas because he knows that
his daughter will have always have a family
long after he’s gone.
they say an entire orca pod stays together for life,
they say each pod has it’s own dialect and language.
they say orcas have a larger part of their brain
for emotions than humans,
that the mother will sometimes carry
her deceased child in their mouth for a week before letting them go.
my brother is 31 and instead of thinking
about the flowers on his daughter’s wedding day,
he thinks of what flowers he wants next to his casket.
I don’t want to admit this,
I don’t want to think about this
but I can’t ignore it either.
If I could stand in your driveway
with my tears in a jar and my happiness in another
I swear to God I’d hand you every smile I had left in me,
I swear to God I’d give you every laugh for the rest of my life.
even when we hit our funny bone,
we wince while everyone else laughs.
I’d slam myself into the corner of every table
just to see you smile.
I’ve spent too many nights
trying to write poems to the wounded,
hoping my words can heal someone.
you say that it’s too hard to watch me self-destruct.
tonight I wonder if I should have written those poems to myself.
but my life is an open book, you see
life hurts and life isn’t fair
but I can’t pretend sadness isn’t bittersweet
when you of all people know
that even the caterpillars weep when their friend
becomes a butterfly before they are ready
to say goodbye.
When love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth……
But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.”
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully.